Can we manage Anger?

Or do we need a different strategy?

Imagine a bowl of water kept for boiling. It has already boiled for a very long time. Keep putting ice cubes into the water to cool it down. The more ice cubes you put inside, there is more water to boil. Water keeps evaporating and you keep putting ice cubes to cool it down.

The fact that we are angry indicates that our consciousness is in turmoil.

What is the remedy here? The job of a burning stove is to keep the water boiling. No amount of ice cubes can solve the problem and cool down the water. The only thing we have to do is to switch off the stove so that no more boiling is possible. Cooling has to be an automatic function and not an enforced exercise.

The nature of Anger

Almost all anger management techniques are like putting ice cubes into the boiling water. Once anger is aroused, the damage to the individual is already done. Any amount of controlling or managing your anger doesn’t serve the purpose. The more you try to suppress your anger, the greater there is a need to explode. It is like a buoyancy effect where the harder you press down, the more forceful is the upward pressure.

Anger is an addiction, the more you consume it, the more you would want it. Anger management does not help because it is like telling an alcoholic not to drink. Modern psychological approaches are trying to prolong the problem. They don’t make attempts to root out the cause of the problem. They just try to camouflage the problem so that it does not show up.

Anger Management is a misnomer. Why get angry and then manage it? Can we remain without getting angry, so that we don't have to manage it?

Hiding the actual problem

Cosmetic clean-up can only hide the problem from getting manifested. This is why cosmetics should be applied now and again. Any learned behavior can’t be brought to zero. We should replace one unwanted behavior with the desired behavior. This necessitates the learning of a new skill Assertiveness, which shall be considered later on.

As it was discussed earlier (See How are Emotions connected to Stress?), any negative emotion is a symptom of the underlying distress. Somehow people generally don’t think that anger is a major problem and some even boast about having a short temper. In reality, we can’t get angry, sad, or afraid if we are not distressed. (See Does Stress make you Abnormal?)

Threat to Survival

Anger, like fear, is a reaction to the threat to survival. Suppose we encounter a wild animal on the way to our home. We need extra energy either to run away from the animal or to fight the animal. If we evaluate the animal to be stronger than us, then we experience fear and we run faster than normal. In case we evaluate the animal to be weaker than us, we experience anger and we pick up a fight with the animal.

Whenever these emotions are aroused, there is dilation of blood vessels in the limbs and constriction of blood vessels in the visceral organs. Besides, there is the pumping of adrenaline and an increase in all the autonomic functions of the body like blood pressure, breathing, heart rate, etc. This is to ensure that more blood and oxygen are supplied to the hands and legs and they become stronger to ward off the threat. In case of fear, more blood and oxygen are supplied to the legs, so that we can run faster. In case of anger, more blood and oxygen are supplied to the hands, so that we can fight the animal.

Feel the threat in Safety

We have recreated an environment where the physical threat is uncommon whereas social, psychological, and economic threats are more prevalent. However, we react to these threats in similar ways as if we are facing a physical threat. In physical threats, you have an animal or an object, which you can attack. Who will you attack when you do not have a clear-cut object that is threatening you? We are angry most of the time with our family members but can we attack them?

If you list out all the interactions you were angry about, then you will find out that no one can be attacked. And attacking them physically, there will be dire consequences. If you can’t attack them, then why have the anger? Anger comes automatically, because of conditioning. We rarely remember when and where we got conditioned to make such a response.

Hurting others

You will have to hurt somebody whenever you are angry. If you can’t hurt others, then you will be hurting yourself. It is not merely the physical hurt but the psychosocial damage that becomes costly in the long run. Once the hurt is over, there is an abundance of guilt that is carried over from the interaction. The guilt, in turn, causes more anger and aggression and there is a snowball effect.

We live in a myth of “conquering heroism”. This hero always gets things done and everything goes according to the plan. Everyone listens to everything this hero says and supports whatever this hero does. Our anger builds up the very first day we find out that this is only a myth. Rather than accepting the myth, we try to live up to the standards of the so-called "hero".

🔔 TIP from Swach Chetan 🔔

Angry people think they have conquered the world

If they can't conquer themselves, why talk about the world?

🙏 🙏 🙏

Others have Control

Though we say it is “our anger”, the anger is mainly controlled by others. Anyone can make us angry, whenever they want. We allow them to test us and give away our feelings. They have all the ammunitions to manipulate us however they want. The more they manipulate us, the more we get angry.

Why do I get angry when someone calls me a donkey! I have asked this question to several hundred people and everyone agrees that I am justified to get angry. But when I insist to answer me as to why did I get angry; I do not get the answer. There is a real reason as to why I become angry as soon as someone calls me a donkey. It Is because I have a doubt myself and the moment someone calls me a donkey, my doubts become huge.

To minimize my doubt, I become angry and I start arguing with the person. After a few arguments, the other person calls my father a donkey. My doubts become even more pronounced, and I start shouting on top of my voice. If I have no doubts about myself being a donkey, why should I be angry? Just because someone calls me something, I can’t think that my personality will change.

In search of a Stimulus

We always think that we are angry at another person, thing, issue, event, or idea. Technically, this is just namesake because we need a stimulus for our anger. The only person with whom we are angry is us. However, our conscience, our cognitive dissonance, our upbringing won’t allow us to be angry at us. Hence, we choose someone or something outside us as an object of anger.

We learn our anger from the very first year of our life itself. The moment we show temper tantrums or we shout with anger, we had been rewarded. This picks up over time and we can get things done whenever we show anger. Over the years, we don’t know how to show any other emotion apart from anger. Anger becomes our shortest route to getting things done and we start believing it.

Controlling the world

We also start believing that the whole world is under our control and we have a say in everything the world does. Let us say I think that the clock stops whenever I tell it to stop. Suppose it doesn’t stop when I instruct it, I naturally become angry. Though I ascribe my anger towards the clock, I am really angry at myself. Because I know I am foolish to think that I can stop the clock just by thinking!

I can’t hate me, I can’t call myself a fool, and I can’t be faulted for all my imaginations. So, I keep searching for things and people as targets for my anger. If I don’t get anybody on the street, I will find someone in the workplace or school. If I don’t get anybody there too, I will always find someone at home. So, whenever I am at home, I can’t control my anger because I need someone to become my target.

Submissiveness

The opposite is true for those who are submissive. They start believing in the myth of a “Suffering Heroism”. They love to suffer, they love to be afraid of almost everything on earth, and they readily agree to everything. Anyone can make them suffer, anyone can order them around, and any small event becomes quite overwhelming. They love to talk about how much they are always suffering and invent ways to become a victim.

Both these “Heroes” need to change their perspectives. People who are hurt because of them are their loved ones. The “Conquering Hero” should reduce aggressiveness. The “Suffering Hero” should increase involvement rather than take ‘flight’. The only way out is to practice Assertiveness.

Thinking Abnormally

Once your adrenalin is pumped up, the survival mechanisms take over. Your ability to think rationally or otherwise is taken over by your urge to survive. Either fear or anger will dominate and you will not be able to make judgments. Everyone or everything looks threatening and the flight or fight response is triggered. Hence, practicing assertiveness is necessary so that we can control the situation.

The following pointers can help us in reducing our stress and thereby our anger.

Fulfilling Needs

We should not bother about wants and desires and choices. We should bother more about needs and achievements and options. The fact is that we have several needs to fulfill. This means that the other person also has certain other needs to fulfill. There is always a way to arrive at a consensus without eliciting friction.

Identify Limitations

Everyone has limitations including you. You can respect these limitations, only when you accept them. Do not try to ignore these limitations and act as if they do not exist. Try to work through it keeping in mind the consequences. Do not be afraid of responsibility irrespective of the consequences.

Work towards Effectiveness

Thinking that my way is the right way and all others are wrong, lands us into innumerable problems because many others think the same. It is not the question of the right way or a wrong way but an effective way. When I am not flexible in my approach to problems, I should not expect that others will automatically agree to whatever I say.

View Anger as Danger

Anger is a slow poison and a silent killer. Remove the letter D in Danger and you have anger. People turn into wild animals when they have anger. Yet the movies eulogize the hero who fights like an animal. An “angry young man” is not an ideal person but a sick animal, yet he gets glorified in society.

Avoid Distress

Prolonged distress leads to anxiety and anxiety is the root cause of almost all disorders. Preventing oneself from developing disorders is a wise choice. Anger is giving a warning signal and we should exercise caution whenever we become angry. We must also attempt to overcome the distress we already have. (See Managing everyday Distress and Types of Distress and how to overcome them?)

Trust Yourself

Try to be human and manage your anger. Instead of trying to cool down after you are angry, it is better not to get angry. Such a situation is possible only when you value yourself. Try to overcome doubts about yourself and start trusting yourself. You have to realize that you can’t solve a problem by being angry, so take it cool.

In short, anger becomes a dangerous tool where we can hurt ourselves. Without our knowledge, anger turns into aggressiveness and we will have little recourse after that. The best ways to remove the stress that leads to anger are to fulfill needs, identify limitations, be effective, keep away from danger, avoid distress, and be self-reliant.