Strengthening Relationships

Living with others is not so easy unless we can master the art of human relations.  Each relationship is so precious that we cannot ignore the complexities it brings whenever we form a new acquaintance.  We must move towards healthy relationship so that our life becomes meaningful and worthwhile.

Developing a new relationship is like developing a tumor.  The tumor could be cancerous or benign.  If it is benign, then there is nothing much to worry about.  A cancerous cell multiplies itself and starts attacking other healthy cells.  Unless its growth is arrested, the tumor spreads all over the body and the person’s life is in danger.

Similarly, when a new relationship is formed we tend to ignore it without trying to find out whether such a relationship could destroy our well-being.  Consider the following situations where we see nothing much out of the ordinary:

A father is angry at his son for not obeying his instructions.

A boss is displeased about his employee’s independent decisions.

A friend ignores messages.

A daughter-in-law does not get along well with her mother-in-law.

A mother is depressed because her family does not care for her.

A colleague suddenly stops talking to her co-workers.

These and many more such situations are regarded to be part of our daily life and we do not give importance to making modifications when they occur. Just like cancer cells, these negative interactions spread so fast that it hampers our other relationships.

We ignore kith and kin and give more importance to friends and colleagues. We ascribe greater value to a newer relationship. We show negative emotions far more easily to people who are closer to us than to others. We expect people who are closer to us to agree to whatever we say or do without finding out whether we are right or not! We somehow think showing our love for somebody is our weakness

We take older relationships for granted and are always interested in new relationships. A new relationship can either sustain existing relationships or destroy existing relationships. Situations that look normal may destroy our well-being. Over a period, normal relationships turn negative as we involuntarily start manipulating, controlling, and pretending (the MCP of Relationship).

Manipulation

We usually allow others to manipulate us or we try to manipulate the people around us.  We rarely understand that such manipulation does not last long.  Let us say I want something from my friend.  I start manipulating him to get what I want.  I show him my best side, I agree to whatever he says and be very nice to him.  If he allows himself to get manipulated, I like him.  If he resists such manipulation, then I become angry or aggressive at him.

Children learn to manipulate their parents very well.  If a boy knows that his mother does not like him throwing temper tantrums on the street, he starts doing those more on the street.  He knows his mother is afraid of the displeasure of bystanders and will give him whatever he asks.  The mother keeps saying she does not like his behavior yet rewards him whenever he does so.

Control

We love people whom we can control.  A boss likes the subordinate whom he can control the most.  We want a spouse to agree to whatever we say. We like the child who obeys us. When people disobey or question our rules and regulations, we begin to distance ourselves from such people.

Pretend

We wear masks of pretense every time we interact.  We hide our wishes and desires to fulfill others’ wants.  We say things we do not mean and we agree to almost everything someone says out of fear of losing our relationship. When we keep dancing to somebody’s tunes, we do not know what to do when several people start playing different tunes at the same time or when no one plays any tune.

Negative things happen automatically while positive things need our intervention.  It is automatic to fall from a bicycle whereas we need to learn how to balance in order not to fall from the bicycle.  Once we learn how to balance, we can ride on any cycle or two-wheeler.  Hence, learning is important to remove the obvious negative effects of nature.  Comparing this to our relationships, we find that our interactions become stale over some time because we assume that our relationships grow without our intervention.  We tend to brush aside the displeasure that is caused due to our faulty interaction.  Gradually, one fine day, we find that we have lost a relationship.  This proves very costly not only for our growth but also for our happiness.

The solution lies in being CLEAN.  We keep our bodies, our hands, legs, and things around us clean.  Why do we not try to clean ourselves from the inside?  We tend to keep our displeasure together for years.  For instance, a man hates another man who was once a friend because the latter had called him names ten years back.  Imagine what would happen if we did not clean our bodies for ten years!

The essence of being clean internally lies in having a positive relationship.  The letters in the word CLEAN represent an important aspect of a positive relationship.

C = CO-OPERATE

The need to co-operate is essential when we live together.  Our desires, wants, and options are less important when we have to achieve collective goals.  Each of our families needs to work as a single unit to derive happiness.

Jealousy, comparison, and competition have no place in relationship building. Collective thinking and collective goal formulation lead to collective achievement. If you cannot cooperate with the people you know, then it becomes difficult. It is hard not only for you but also for others in your daily transactions. Co-curricular and extra-curricular activities help you in learning cooperation. (See 12 C’s of Cooperation Cycle)

L = LOVE

Loving another person is showing positive regard for that person’s existence.  Such regard should be without conditions.  The moment we put conditions on our love we start manipulating or controlling our loved ones.

In whom have we seen unconditional positive regard? Not judging, not criticizing, not ridiculing, and not advising. It looks tougher but all of us had such a love when we were too young. As young infants, we do not choose, prefer, or compare our parents. We accept them as they are but how come we do not do the same when it comes to our children or others?

E = EXCHANGE

Sharing one's ideas, desires, thoughts, feelings, perceptions, actions and goals is most crucial in nurturing healthy relationships.

Give and Take is a business relationship, not a social one. In a social relationship, you give and enjoy the role of giving. You receive only because you are given something with kindness. You do not demand just because you have given something. You give something (that you have more of or you are stronger in) to somebody and receive something (that you need) from someone else!

A = ACCEPT

We must learn to accept others as they are rather than as they should be.  The more we expect things from someone the greater will be our displeasure in dealing with that person.

Accept people as they are because you cannot choose your kith and kin. The more you try to change them, the more they will try to change you. When you attempt to reject them, they start rejecting you. Their misgivings, their failures, and their misfortunes are not under their control. Nor are they under your control and hence accepting them will only help your relationship.

N = NETWORK

Relationships grow stronger when we build a network around the people we know.  Bonding happens when strangers become friends.  It becomes more difficult to lose relationships when mutual coexistence occurs.

Build a strong network with people having a similar value system. Differences of opinion do not matter as long as there is concurrence in values. When someone tries to weaken the network, try to isolate the individual from your network. Include people in the network, even if they are from different backgrounds. The stronger and sturdier the network, the healthier the relationship.

Signs of Unclean Relationship

Spending time with family members becomes more painful than spending time with friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Within five minutes, a casual conversation with a family member turns into an argument. We would rather spend a whole day with friends than spend a few minutes with family members.

We have the least tolerance level with people with who we are closer. Though our love for our family members is abundant, we do not know how to show it. We rather trust a stranger than the people whom we know.

In real need, it is the family and friends who come with us to be together. We are made to believe that staying at home is more painful and that enjoyment is always outside the home.

Coronavirus has taught us that in emergencies, we have to live with our family members and not anyone else. Many people consider that this is quite painful as they have been indoctrinated to believe that living at home is painful.

They think that they are suffering because they have no independence to go wherever they want to. If they don’t know how to be independent in their own home, where else can they have freedom?

Obeying someone’s rules is not freedom; thinking and forming your code of conduct is. If we can’t be happy with our people, then we don’t know how to be happy in the first place. We always think that enjoyment is possible only if we step outside our homes. We go to pubs, malls, parties, cinemas, etc. to obtain entertainment; these are enjoyable because we do it once in a while.

Make family your priority because they are the reason you are doing whatever you are doing. People who stay away from home will realize the importance of living with family. But by the time they realize it, they would have forgotten why they are living. If you are uncomfortable with your people, then learn the Eight Interaction Skills to live together.

The purpose of CLEAN Relationships

Unhealthy relationships grow similar to garbage.  We need not advertise for people to come and drop their waste at any given place.  All it needs is for us to drop some of our waste anywhere.  It starts growing automatically.  Without knowing we start manipulating, controlling, and pretending in our relationships.

Contrarily, healthy relationships are like growing a plant.  We must water it, look after it, remove weeds, and provide sunlight.  Growing a plant takes more time and effort compared to the growth of garbage.  Similarly, we need to invest our time and effort in building our relationships.  We need to come CLEAN and make sure we cooperate, love, exchange, accept, and network to continue a healthy relationship.

Communication Skills

Listening Skills

Light your own L A M P

ATTITUDE CHANGE

Transforming Difficulty to Ease

Changing Failure to Success

What are 64 NAVA VIDYA or 64 New Skills?