Know why I am doing a series on this?

What Psychologists Don’t Talk About?

What Psychologists Don’t Talk About Choices?

CONTENTS

Summary

Introduction

The greater the number of choices in whatever we do the better is our freedom. This is what we have been told time and again. But is it true? As laypeople, we are unaware of how choices are limited to us because of what psychologists don’t talk about Choices.

Psychologists should have warned you that the greater the number of choices, the higher will be your distress, but they don’t do that simply because, by saying so they will be regarded as spoilsport. They want to be in your good books and they tend to fail in their duty.

The following are some of the things they should have talked about.

1. You are happy to have choices!

Who doesn’t want to visit a mall? Whether we buy something or not doesn’t matter. We love to see so many things available to us and we are happy that we have an absolute choice to pick anything we want. Or do we have that independence?

2. You can always choose the best!

We have been told over and over again that as choices increase, we will have better options. We want to be independent to exercise our right to choose whatever we desire. We want choices each time and in every place starting from waking up in the morning till we call it a day. The more the society is modern, the greater the number of choices.

3. You are disappointed as you couldn’t choose what you wanted!

I have observed many people getting very excited going into the mall. However, they have a long face when they come out. Initially, I thought they were tired. But when asked, each person had a list of complaints and their difficulties.

Surprisingly, I have seen people leave a mall empty-handed. Despite so many things available, they chose not to buy anything!

4. You can’t carry everything you choose!

Consider the following situation. There is a free-for-all in a newly opened mall. Can any individual pick up everything they want? Do they have time to make choices? Will they loot up in leisure?

5. Choices are not independent.

We are always made to believe we are independent in making choices. However, this becomes relative. Whatever you choose you have to decide regarding someone else. Suppose you are buying a dress. You have to buy within what is available at the moment.

I heard one young woman telling her friend that she liked a dress so much; that she would have paid whatever it cost. The friend asked her “… then why didn’t you buy?” The girl replied, “… the color was what I wanted but my cousin has a dress with the same kind of design. There were other designs available but not in the color I liked.” This started me thinking about how complicated shopping can be.

We have several artistic, wellness, learning, career, contentment, family, economic, social, environmental, and service goals (See Choosing Independent Goals) to choose from but we pass through our lives as if we are unaware of them.

6. Choices are predetermined.

Suppose you have to travel from Bengaluru to New Delhi. It appears that you have a lot of choices – walk, run, skate, hitchhike, two-wheeler, car, bus, train, or plane. However, the whole thing boils down to one thing: the reason why you have to go to Mumbai. Let us say, you are meeting a client the next day morning. All other choices disappear and you are left with a travel by plane only. You may have a choice of the airline but your journey depends on the timings suitable to you and the price you have to pay. So, though it looks as if we have made several choices, what we choose is essentially predetermined.

7. Choices lead to friction with loved ones.

Most of the quarrels within the family occur because each person thinks that their choice is better than that of others. In one instance, a family wanted to spend three days together on a holiday. The daughter had a friend’s marriage to attend. The son had seen the place the father had decided and didn’t want to go. The wife had invited some of her relatives and she wanted to stay home. They all argued for quite a long time because the man thought this was the only time they could be together.

8. You choose what you don’t need most of the time.

During my corporate training programs, I used to tell the participants that we have more than 60 percent of things at home that we don’t use anymore. They agree and some even go to the extent of saying that it is over 70 percent. In such a case why did we buy what we don’t need?

9. Choices are a form of distress.

What psychologists don’t talk about is that choices are a product of your wants or desires and the accessibility of goals. Whenever you have to make a choice, it results in a conflict. Conflicts are one of the major types of distress. To know the other types of distress, see ‘Manifestation of Distress and how to overcome them?’

Conflicts can arise because of several situations where you have to choose only one goal or option. Let us first consider simple conflicts with an example of choosing a dress. See the diagram below.

10. Types of conflicts when you choose.

Conflict in approach arises because you have to choose between two desirable goals.

“Should I wear the pink or green dress?”

Conflict in avoidance arises because you have to avoid both goals but you have to choose between them. “I don’t like green dresses and the pink one has an old design”.

Conflict in approach-avoidance arises when you want to choose something for some desirable reasons whereas avoid it for some undesirable reasons. “I love the yellow dress but I have worn it several times”.

Because you are forced to make a choice, such conflict results in distress. In reality, the situation is not so simple. There could be multiple goals, or multiple reasons, all working at the same time.

11. The greater the number of choices the higher your frustration.

Whenever you choose something, you will have to forego something else. Frustration is a type of distress that results when we are unable to reach a goal or when there are no goals. When you visit a mall, you can never buy what is displayed there. You want to buy more but you can’t – this situation leads to frustration.

You are frustrated if you don’t have choices but you are still frustrated because you couldn’t choose at all.

12. Your choices may go wrong when you are under pressure.

The third type of distress is pressure. Most advertisers, keep a deadline to turn your choices to favor them. The same external pressure is used by cybercriminals who will never allow you to think clearly. Sometimes there is an internal pressure arising from your needs, wants, desires, and aspirations.

13. Choices invariably confuse.

You always have too many things to choose from whether it is as simple as buying vegetables or purchasing a house. You may have to make too many decisions on color, price, quality, quantity, size, design, texture, durability, and so on.

14. Choosing unrealistic goals or borrowed goals always leads to dissatisfaction.

One best example of unrealistic goals is to choose to become rich. This is how people are enticed by confidence tricksters. Richness cannot be quantified. What is not quantified, cannot become a goal. See ‘Can we live without Goals?’ Even if the goals are reached, people are displeased with the result because the choices were not theirs! For example, examination results of students or targets of salespeople.

15. The idea of choosing may trigger your anxiety.

You are afraid of making choices because irrespective of what your choices are, there are people who criticize you. Over time, this leads to a state of anxiety where you are afraid of unknown consequences.

16. Choices may lead to feelings of guilt.

Especially when your past choices have not yielded the desired results, you may tend to feel guilty of making choices. This is the reason why we ask for someone else’s opinion. There is a solace in it because if things go wrong, you can always blame the other person.

17. We get cheated mainly because of our inability to make choices.

Cybercriminals, confidence tricksters, and habitual liars make use of our inability to make rational judgments. Most frequently we fail to think critically. We submissively allow the other person to make choices for us. And the other person has all the skills to make us feel great for making such choices. We realize our mistakes only after we lose something.

18. Saying “No” is the most difficult choice in life.

We invest, buy, spend, and waste time and resources on things we are not intending to, mainly because we are afraid to say “no”. When others – colleagues, friends, relatives, and children – pass on their burden to us, we take it even when we don’t want it.

19. Postponing a decision is sometimes a better choice.

Not that we always have to say yes or no when we are given choices. Sometimes, depending on the situation, it is better to postpone making a choice. This is especially useful when either choosing or not choosing leads to an escalation of friction.

20. Sometimes we rarely notice that we are given no choice at all.

When you enter a mall, for instance, you are given to understand that you have total independence to choose whatever you want. However, there is something that is strictly compulsory where you have no choice.

Whatever you buy, you are also buying trash. With or without your knowledge, every ingredient comes in a package. Though the packages look attractive, hygienic, and utilitarian, you are paying for it only to throw it away as trash. Whatever you order online, too, comes with trash. Sometimes the package is costlier than the ingredient.

21. Advertisers force you to choose what they want.

We may feel we have an upper hand when we buy things, but actually, there is no negotiation going on. Advertisers know very well how to entice you and emotionally blackmail you into believing you have made a good choice. There are so many offers available in the market simply because people have very little idea of how to choose.

22. Your choices are influenced by public opinion.

It is very easy to rake up public opinion as people think that whatever is good for everyone must be good for me. Media houses, the internet, and social media are used extensively to mold people’s opinions to suit a few individuals’ revenues.

For instance, the present trend of putting ideas into you that AI (Artificial Intelligence) can solve many problems and is beneficial for people, is a methodical attempt to influence your opinion. In reality, only a handful of people benefit from it and whatever technology is within the grasp of a few individuals is dangerous for the growth of mankind.

People like to believe whatever they are told and psychologists are no exception. Despite their knowledge about indoctrination and brain draining, psychologists are unable to see through it and warn the public about its dangers.

23. Propaganda manipulates your choices.

Irrespective of how independent you think your choices are, you are automatically guided by the billions that are spent on propaganda. When every day you advertise a product in newspapers, television, social media, billboards, etc. you are programmed to think positively about that product.

In simple terms, it is known as branding. A new trend has come into force in the form of reviews. People tend to think it is true when something is bombarded into their brains time and again.

This is something psychologists know but don’t tell you as they are also victims of branding.

Branding is done so that you don’t ask questions and stop thinking critically while considering a person, product, company, corporation, service, tourist attraction, etc. Just to satisfy your hunger, you can ask at least twenty questions (as listed in E = MC² in Psychology) but branding makes sure we don’t ask even one.

When you enter a mall, irrespective of whatever else is available, you will tend to choose branded items, even if they are a little expensive. Most people think they are making an intelligent decision, but their choice is already decided.

Psychologists are supposed to know about ‘Propaganda Prophylaxis’, but I have not come across anyone talking about it for the last fifty years.

24. Sometimes your needs override your choices.

Needs have priority over wants, especially when they are deprived. It could be physiological needs like hunger, thirst, sex, sleep, and defecation, psychological needs like security, safety, well-being, love, and education, or social needs like friends, family, work, and community.

Suppose you have not eaten for a couple of days, you are desperate enough to eat whatever is available. At that moment you will rarely think of asking those twenty questions (mentioned above).

When your needs are threatened. It gives rise to intense negative emotions. At that moment you will not be able to ask rational questions. This is what cyber criminals make use of. They threaten you and at the same time act as your well-wisher, and the way out you choose will automatically be what they want.

25. There is no such thing as a right choice.

A father tells his son that whatever choices they make, all the right choices are his and all wrong choices are his son’s. This is the same principle we adopt when judging whether a decision is right or wrong.

A choice is called right when things go well and is called wrong when we encounter problems. So, ascribing judgment to a choice itself is not the right choice.

26. ‘Choose wisely’ is an unrealistic advice.

When someone says choose wisely, what they mean is that, if you choose according to what they expect, your choice is a wise one, otherwise you are missing a golden chance.

Technically, a wise choice is when you can consider all the pros and cons, deliberate on them, and come to a logical decision. However, in reality, it is almost impossible to know all the pros and cons. In addition, new pros and cons may appear after you make your decision.

Hence, choosing wisely is just a marketing gimmick and not a piece of wise advice.

27. When choices go wrong we usually fix blame on others.

As mentioned earlier we need someone to take the blame when our choices go wrong. This is why we are afraid of making independent decisions. Asking for suggestions is one way of reducing our distress because we can always say so and so is responsible.

28. Too many choices will always end up in a ‘no-choice’ situation.

Returning empty-handed from visiting a mall is the best example of this. Here, we are not postponing our decision but deciding not to choose. Sometimes when there is no pressure (as mentioned above) or when we resign to the fact that we can live without it, we may end up not making any choice.

For instance, a person wants to buy a car and visits several showrooms offering different brands. After listening to so many complicated details about price, features, design, durability, resale value, etc., decides to continue riding on his two-wheeler.

29. We fall in love with our choices.

Just because we have made the choice, we tend to justify it as if it is the best thing to do. We give several reasons, some of them invented, as to why our decision was right. This we see not only within a family but also at the workplace. People in authority rarely admit that their choices were wrong.

30. A child’s consciousness is corrupted by choices.

A child never gets to make informed decisions. This is one of the reasons why even as adults we are not well-versed in making choices. Almost everything in a child’s life is decided by adults and the child feels hopeless.

Not that those children can make better choices but they are never trained, guided, or informed about how to choose. For instance, a mother and daughter will usually have a lot of arguments about what the child should wear to a function.

31. Socially desirable choices are dangerous to the well-being of society.

This is one of the most important things psychologists and social scientists should have warned you about.

Celebrities are used by advertisers to rake up public opinion, which has become a social norm. No one asks a simple question like, how do the celebrities know about the product, service, or issue? Have they tested them? Have they been part of the research? Have they used them? Are they speaking from personal experience?

We just concluded that if it is good for the celebrity who is saying so, it must be good for me, too. For instance, when a film star advertises an energy drink, we assume that they must be using the drink every day. Psychologists are aware of prestige suggestions but they don’t educate anyone about it.

Propaganda can put poisonous seeds in the minds of people, which is the major cause of riots, persecutions, and genocides.

32. In most cases, informed choices are impossible to make.

Suppose you are downloading an app on your phone. Do you think anyone is going to read all the terms and conditions before clicking the agree button? The same thing applies when you invest your hard-earned money in mutual funds, the stock market, etc.

The most ridiculous thing is agreeing to play online games or betting. They very clearly warn you of the consequences but still, millions of people choose to lose money.

33. Rules and regulations curtail our choices.

Sometimes, giving people the liberty to make choices can end up in turmoil. So, how do we put an end to all these things?

Imagine a situation where seat numbers are not allotted and you can choose to sit wherever you want! It could be a theatre or an airplane.

Can you think of groups like police, military, and school children, without uniforms?

You may choose a high-end vehicle that can go 300 miles per hour. But when you see the board informing you that the speed limit is 30 miles per hour, you can only choose to drive within that limit.

The airport authority says that your baggage should be within 25 Kilograms.

If you are settling abroad, you can’t choose to carry whatever you like.

You can’t carry your wardrobe even if you are vacationing for a month.

A celebrity has over 20 rooms at his house but he sleeps every day in a hotel room for security reasons.

The more the number of choices the greater the confusion. This can be minimized by establishing a routine and sticking to set ways of doing things.

34. Choices have become endless.

Now that several “APPs” running on mobile, each time you log in to an app, you will have a series of choices to make. Suppose you are in a hurry, you will not know whether an offer that looks so enticing continues to exist or not. In case you click on the offer, you will be engrossed in so many more choices that you may forget why you started this app in the first place.

35. Sometimes choices lead to disasters.

People often make uninformed choices. They are more geared up by rivalry, jealousy, and spite. The following video succinctly narrates it.

Sometimes, they want to have everything in a hurry. Cases of suicide where the person opts to go big and consequently fail are also examples of such choices.

36. One choice outweighs the other choices when something goes wrong.

A man travels in his car with his family – wife, son, and daughter to a picnic spot. He parked his car under a tree as it was too hot outside. The son feels tired and chooses to sleep in the car with the air conditioner on while the others are sightseeing. After some time, they encounter a huge storm and they stand in a nearby building so that they don’t get drenched in the rain. A branch of the tree falls on the car and the boy gets injured. Everyone blames the father for making a wrong choice. He is unable to come out of the guilt and carries his suffering for life.

In the above anecdote, several choices were made, not just one. However, the father gets blamed for what went wrong. Some people may say the son made a wrong choice. So, choices by themselves are not right or wrong but are interpreted depending upon the consequences.

Summary

To recapitulate, the following figures summarize the 36 things that you ought to know about choices.

I don’t know when psychologists will be able to guide people on how to make informed decisions, think rationally, ask critical questions, and not give in to fear and anxiety. Only then maybe people will be able to make better choices.

Psychologists are the only ones who know that choices are bad for mental health as they lead to all three types of distress – conflict, frustration, and pressure. (A detailed description is available in the book mentioned below). Yet they keep quiet about it because they don’t want to antagonize you. What Psychologists don’t talk about Choices is that they are not always good for your well-being.

Know why I am doing a series on this?

What Psychologists Don’t Talk About?

As part of my “3C” initiative – “Clean Consciousness Campaign”, -- let me take up this challenge and let everyone know what psychologists don’t talk about.

Let me know if I am wrong. I have started this series because there are hundreds of things psychologists don’t talk about. I feel that it would benefit everyone if they did so. I hope at least now, they will make a beginning.

This is an attempt to bring to the fore what has been hidden for a very long time.